Beer Trouble Shooting

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: Retire to rest room, practice in mirror.

Symptom: Don't remember words to the song.
Fault: None. Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone. Don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: You are dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Symptom: Floor is blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault:: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself chained to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth full of cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to nearest dog; complain about house training.